A-Star Pupils Dilemma

I maybe still at school, but I am a very self composed, well presented friendly A star pupil… well, I must be because everybody who knows me, everyone who talks about me, tells me so…. Teachers, friends, everyone, and they must be right mustn’t they. At least those who know me well, but not too well, say that.

Sometimes I believe it myself, but it’s not often, most of the time I am in turmoil, stressed, head swirling madly with the eternal frustrations, resentments and pain vying for precedence. So I wonder why people have such a false impression of me?

There are many reasons I think, why I give an impression so different to the reality, the main one is that I am simply frightened about showing people how much I am suffering, because I am simply too stretched by my responsibilities to consider having a break, taking time away, even being given sympathy… I simply hide it by taking it to the other extent, by spending even longer on getting ready, over my clothes, my make-up, my hair… I give more time than most to my schoolwork because I think if I maintain the A grades I am capable of I will not attract the sort of attention some of my friends get. If I prepare a calm a relaxed demeanour, people will not realise I am breaking up inside whenever they see me.

I have friends who face the same turmoil as me, they struggle to cope with their homework, they don’t find the time to make the most of themselves, and are too tired to keep up the pretence of being in control. Perhaps I am the lucky one really, it’s an advantage of suffering from insomnia that I do have more time to do stuff, when everyone else is asleep.

So, I use my insomnia positively, I do the things they don’t have the time or strength to do, it also stops me being bullied the way they are… however stressed and in despair I am, at least I don’t have that to deal with as well.

Like many people who face the same pressures as me, I carry both some guilt and colossal resentment with me, they are negative emotions and simply add to the stress and turmoil that is such a major part of my life, and has been for a good 14 years, since I was only around four years old. I know, though, it Is not my little sisters fault, and know I have to look after her and protect her from the stresses that are blighting my life. I do that gladly, because she doesn’t deserve to suffer in that way, so I have become her mini-mum.

I have been struggling as I am now for many years, and have successfully hidden it until very recently, I hve only just started to be able to talk about it, it is still painful to talk about it, and I am always reluctant, you don’t know how people will react, which is another reason I do all I can to make sure nobody realises what I am going through. It is only now I have started to be able to talk about it, to any extent, that I am learning that I am not alone, and am now wondering how many more young women are working around the clock to hide the fact that they are in turmoil, struggling, and unable to control my feelings, the only release I have is to shut myself in my room and listen to music, or read, for the few minutes of peace I can get.

So, although no-one would know to look at me, or to talk to me, I am silently screaming out for help and relief, I am in total turmoil and despair all the time, and why is this, have I done something evil? No, the simple truth is that I am having to act as mother to a young sister, with an absentee father and a mother suffering with serious depression, and have been doing so for as long as I can remember.

Even now, for any of you who don’t know about depression you will be wondering why it is having so much of a destructive impact on me… after all, we’ve all been depressed when our hair won’t go right for a special night out, or when we break a finger nail just before a party… If you have suffered depression, or had a loved one suffer depression, you would know that this has nothing to do with depression… my mum has a fairly typical depression, which means that some days she doesn’t have the will power to get out of bed, when she does, she may go to the shops and brings back the wrong shopping, she is unable to do the housework… unable to prepare meals, often unable to eat them when prepared for her. She can be bitter, hurtful and aggressive… and yes I have to deal with all of this.

I have always sought to hide my problems, a mixture of things, not least of which is the stigma associated with mental illness, but I would honestly recommend anyone in this situation, whether they follow my coping strategy of hiding it, or whether they fall apart like some of my friends, to speak up, let someone know you are suffering. There is nothing to be ashamed about in asking for help, or indeed suffering mental illness, after all more than a quarter of the population will suffer a mental illness at some point.

Please speak out, learn from me, don’t let it ruin your life.

Labelled is Making Progress

Only a few short months ago, a group of young people, all carers for people with mental illness, and with mental health issues of their own, got to together and talked about forming a group to help young carers. They were painfully aware that the only support available to them was themselves, so they founded a wonderful group called Labelled – For Young Carers.

The aims of the group are simple, it is clear that in the community, and with service providers, young carers do not get the support they need to keep their own lives on track whilst caring.

Since those early days, the profile, and effectiveness of the group has grown immensely. They are proactive, they have worked tirelessly spreading their message and supporting young carers.

They considered the job description that would cover a young carers role, and made a promotional film selling the role as a job, this film was made entirely by the young carers at one of their weekly drop-ins, and is available on U-tube  and is already being used by others to highlight the plight of the young carer.

Using their contacts and experiences, they arranged for an interview recently broadcast on Radio Leicester, where a group of them spoke openly and freely about their experience and the impact of the caring role on their lives. This interview had quite an impact on the listeners, and especially on the Radio Leicester presenter who took the full interview to a BBC TV Documentary producer, who was so impressed and moved by the subject that he immediately made contact to make a 30 minute documentary about the group and their work.

There was an initial meeting in mid-June and plans are well advanced now to make the film around October for showing on BBC in the lead up to Christmas, which is a particularly testing time for carers.

The numbers attending the drop-ins is growing, and they are now reaching more and more young carers by word of mouth, social media and referrals from service providers.

The aims are clear, they want to engage with all not only all of the young carers in the County, but also the LPT and all other groups and individuals involved in mental health care. They believe, rightly, that until the stigma is lifted and all of the agencies involved work in a joined up co-ordinated way things will not improve, but their ceaseless efforts are instrumental in making this not only possible, but starting to happen.

The group is a role model, and is already working with others to set up Labelled groups in other towns and cities.

It is for me, a privilege to be involved with this group. They have seen a need, a serious need, to provide peer support care for young carers, and have moved heaven and earth to make it happen.

The Labelled story is still in it’s infancy, but is already growing and developing, so for anyone out there who is 25 or younger, and has people in their family, or friends, who have mental illness, come along to the drop-in on a Saturday, from Midday to 2:00 pm, engage with the carers, and allow them to empower you to gain the tools you need to cope with your role.

You will also have a chance for one to one conversation with someone with similar problems, who may well be able to offer you the help and support you have been crying out for.

Support Needed... Please

Mental Illness is so difficult for everyone who suffers, or who cares for someone with mental illness. The illness is unpredictable, behaviour can be erratic, in many cases you lose your loved one even though they are still living with you, functioning on some level but not by a country mile the person they were.

It would be naïve to think that the carers aren’t equally harmed, changed, little wonder there is often so much stress, tension and anger in carers.

I know the problems, you know the problems, it is simply not rocket science, it is obvious to everyone who will put aside their own ignorance and prejudice against mental illness…. Everyone who does not accept the stigma that is still so damaging to people with mental illness and their carers. People with mental illness and their carers need understanding and support.

It is so sad that the NHS service providers do not usually understand this simple fact.

We have to educate them, and that is a key target of our activity.

First of all, I have often heard the statement that for a nurse, on a psychiatric ward or A&E it is not easy, there is a lot of stress, and you are often faced by difficult people. You also may find a challenge going from treating someone who has been an innocent victim of a road traffic accident to treat someone who has deliberately cut themselves, either to mask the mental pain or to experience some sort of feeling, any sort of feeling. I accept that can be difficult and that the job is not easy. Is it any excuse for being rude? For being scornful or patronising to a patient? For not understanding their plight?

Compare it to a customer services officer in Marks and Spencer. They spend the whole day dealing with tetchy, rude and unreasonable customers, and the problems being brought to them are seldom of their making? Would you, as a nurse, accept that they snap at you or belittle you? Of course you wouldn’t, you’d get angry, the person woulod be disciplined, maybe dismissed. But within the NHS the defence that it has been a hard day is still used. It is simply not acceptable, it is seriously below the standards required, and adds additional stress and pressure to the most vulnerable people.

Ah yes, but it’s all theoretical. Can you give any examples of how the NHS staff mistreat mental health patients and carers? Without that it doesn’t mean anything.

Oh yes… the following examples are all true, all within our local Mantal Health Service, whether adult or Children/Adolescent… and they display the total lack of understanding, acceptance and care for the mentally ill and their carers.

The most vulnerable carers, and indeed the most ill treated within the service are our young carers. Imagine being born into a family where your earliest memories are of a parent who is suffering from acute depression, or bi-polar, and for you, life as a carer comes as naturally as breathing, because it’s all you know. By the time you are 15 you are probably burned out, you have sacrificed your education, you have devoted your life to looking after a parent, and the odds are it is now a single parent family, if it wasn’t to start with, what have you to look forward to? The only job you can think of is as a care worker, because you are skilled in that already, and don’t have the education to do much else. You cant however do that because the work is too close to your reality, it puts too much pressure on, and you simply don’t have the piece of paper showing you are qualified, even though your experience is worth more than any number of NVQ’s. Even if you do get a job, you will find that the levels of care you are expected to deliver are way below what you want to give, because you have seen it from the other side, you do understand the issues, and know how much harm little or no care can cause.

Imagine then that you have a crisis with your parent, you need help, desperately need support… you contact the appropriate service providers, who respond professionally and effectively to bring you the help you and your parent so desperately need. That’s what they’d have you believe… of course it doesnt happen like that.

The person who should be helping you identifies you are a child… you are not taken seriously, how can you trust a child with stuff this important? Don’t forget that you have already been happy to leave that young person in total control for the situation, fully responsible, for years probably, now he needs help, he is just a kid, you don’t take him seriously.

How does that make the carer feel? I’m sure know know… bloody angry and bloody frustrated… to say nothing of being scared because of the lack of support when needed. How does it affect the patient? I’m sure you know that as well.. a patient desperately needs help, you are effectively not prepared to provide it… can’t be good can it?

The other example I want to highlight relates to self-harm. Imagine through no fault of your own, being so mentally unwell that you have no emotions left, no feeling, no motivation… nothing positive to focus on except the hours of blank despair staring you in the eye… the last resort is to cut yourself, to draw blood, to feel pain, for you it is better than no feeling at all.

So you cut, you end up in A&E because the wound is deep, wide and potentially infected, you need support, comfort… is that what you always get in A&E? Of course not… the staff think that you are seeking attention, you have cut yourself to make their job busier, they think that compared to what they think are innocent victims of accidents you don’t deserve the same level of care. They are professional, they should know better than that, but for the most part they have no understanding.

The cut is a symptom not the problem. Unless the staff identify the cause for the cut, you are always likely to be back, again and again, with the same issue. Each time you go in you become more and more a regular, just cutting yourself for fun… they just don’t understand, and they show it. What is worse the staff will often openly show contempt for you.

It is important to treat the person, not the cut… it may be that A&E is not the place to make the further investigations, in which case, for gods sake, refer on to someone who has the knowledge and understanding, don’t just put the stitches in and pack them of with a patronising “now don’t do it again”

Maybe I expect too much from the NHS, I know Mental Illness is difficult, and a specialist area, but surely everyone working in a role which will bring you into contact with any level of understanding must have the understanding that there is more to it than what you see on the surface, must understand that mental illness is an illness or condition the same as cardiac arrest, cancer or a sprained ankle, and needs to be treated at all times with the same thoroughness, tact and integrity.

Why is it not treated the same? Simple… ignorance. If the staff are ignorant of the implications, we have to look to the management of the NHS, the ethos and attitude within the service. Only when the policy makers understand and acknowledge the truth will they be able to educate the staff, and make them accountable for their behaviour mental health patients.