I maybe still at school, but
I am a very self composed, well presented friendly A star pupil… well, I must
be because everybody who knows me, everyone who talks about me, tells me so….
Teachers, friends, everyone, and they must be right mustn’t they. At least
those who know me well, but not too well, say that.
Sometimes I believe it
myself, but it’s not often, most of the time I am in turmoil, stressed, head
swirling madly with the eternal frustrations, resentments and pain vying for
precedence. So I wonder why people have such a false impression of me?
There are many reasons I
think, why I give an impression so different to the reality, the main one is
that I am simply frightened about showing people how much I am suffering,
because I am simply too stretched by my responsibilities to consider having a
break, taking time away, even being given sympathy… I simply hide it by taking
it to the other extent, by spending even longer on getting ready, over my
clothes, my make-up, my hair… I give more time than most to my schoolwork
because I think if I maintain the A grades I am capable of I will not attract
the sort of attention some of my friends get. If I prepare a calm a relaxed
demeanour, people will not realise I am breaking up inside whenever they see
me.
I have friends who face the
same turmoil as me, they struggle to cope with their homework, they don’t find
the time to make the most of themselves, and are too tired to keep up the
pretence of being in control. Perhaps I am the lucky one really, it’s an advantage
of suffering from insomnia that I do have more time to do stuff, when everyone
else is asleep.
So, I use my insomnia
positively, I do the things they don’t have the time or strength to do, it also
stops me being bullied the way they are… however stressed and in despair I am,
at least I don’t have that to deal with as well.
Like many people who face
the same pressures as me, I carry both some guilt and colossal resentment with
me, they are negative emotions and simply add to the stress and turmoil that is
such a major part of my life, and has been for a good 14 years, since I was
only around four years old. I know, though, it Is not my little sisters fault,
and know I have to look after her and protect her from the stresses that are
blighting my life. I do that gladly, because she doesn’t deserve to suffer in
that way, so I have become her mini-mum.
I have been struggling as I
am now for many years, and have successfully hidden it until very recently, I
hve only just started to be able to talk about it, it is still painful to talk
about it, and I am always reluctant, you don’t know how people will react,
which is another reason I do all I can to make sure nobody realises what I am
going through. It is only now I have started to be able to talk about it, to
any extent, that I am learning that I am not alone, and am now wondering how
many more young women are working around the clock to hide the fact that they
are in turmoil, struggling, and unable to control my feelings, the only release
I have is to shut myself in my room and listen to music, or read, for the few
minutes of peace I can get.
So, although no-one would
know to look at me, or to talk to me, I am silently screaming out for help and
relief, I am in total turmoil and despair all the time, and why is this, have I
done something evil? No, the simple truth is that I am having to act as mother
to a young sister, with an absentee father and a mother suffering with serious
depression, and have been doing so for as long as I can remember.
Even now, for any of you who
don’t know about depression you will be wondering why it is having so much of a
destructive impact on me… after all, we’ve all been depressed when our hair
won’t go right for a special night out, or when we break a finger nail just before
a party… If you have suffered depression, or had a loved one suffer depression,
you would know that this has nothing to do with depression… my mum has a fairly
typical depression, which means that some days she doesn’t have the will power
to get out of bed, when she does, she may go to the shops and brings back the
wrong shopping, she is unable to do the housework… unable to prepare meals,
often unable to eat them when prepared for her. She can be bitter, hurtful and
aggressive… and yes I have to deal with all of this.
I have always sought to hide
my problems, a mixture of things, not least of which is the stigma associated
with mental illness, but I would honestly recommend anyone in this situation,
whether they follow my coping strategy of hiding it, or whether they fall apart
like some of my friends, to speak up, let someone know you are suffering. There
is nothing to be ashamed about in asking for help, or indeed suffering mental
illness, after all more than a quarter of the population will suffer a mental
illness at some point.
Please speak out, learn from
me, don’t let it ruin your life.
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